Kim Ryan
CARES, LLC
www.careScounseling.com
You’ve just finished a second load of laundry when Junior begins screaming at the top of his lungs from the other room.However, this is also Junior’s second load…A load of screaming that is. Oh, and one more thing…its only 9AM.The good news is that only twice before 9AM is better than yesterday when he woke up before 6AM and screamed constantly through the 9 o’clock hour. How you long for 5 o’clock when dad comes home. Maybe today he’ll give you the break you so desperately desire, but in the back of your mind you know today will be the same as yesterday and the day before and the day before that. He’s too tired from work and needs his break, while you are cooking dinner, watching Junior, cleaning, etc. But wait…What about your break?! You’ve been dealing with a screaming child all day nonstop. You have two choices: deal with dad and force him to share in the misery, or understand your child’s behavior so that it can be corrected or at least improved. Dad should definitely help out and share in the raising of your child. I was only kidding about the misery, although sometimes our minds can’t help but wander there. However, this will not address the root cause, and it will not correct the problem. So, let’s concentrate on the latter.
Do you have trouble getting through to your children? Do you find that no matter what method you try, your child will not behave? Every parent has experienced times when their child behaves in ways that seem very different from their usual behavior. Children may kick, bite, refuse to follow instructions, say “no” at everything we suggest, throw things, steal, bully other children, yell, and whine, just to name a few. Understanding this behavior and addressing it in a positive manner can help avoid future incidents.
Children often have trouble communicating their feelings because they may not know the words to describe how they feel or what to do in a difficult situation. Important questions to ask when attempting to uncover the cause of the behavior include the following.
- Is my child angry or scared about something?
- Is my child trying to get my attention?
- Has my child experienced any recent changes in his/her life?
- Have you as a parent been upset about something that could be affecting your child?
- Is my child confused or frustrated?
- Is there a physical cause to my child’s behavior?
- Did they have a difficult day in childcare or school?
Children who act out are often sending adults the message that something is not right or that their needs are not being met. In order for parents to correct their children’s behavior, they must understand what is causing it. Keeping a journal is often very helpful. Record the days, times, and environments at the time of the behavior. This may seem a little severe, but it helps parents discover triggers of a particular behavior and helps reduce the behaviors by being prepared when those same patterns occur. Once parents understand the cause, they can respond better to the problem. Additionally, understanding the cause of the problem can help parents become more capable of reducing our own sense of anger and frustration. It is helpful to remember that change can be very difficult, but it is possible. Don’t give up too quickly. Once you’ve decided to give it a chance, give it time to work. Very few solutions work overnight. The following are some ways to help your children change their difficult behavior.
- Listen to your child. So many times we underestimate the simplest of things, such as listening. Listening is a skill that is lost on so many of us. So, really listen and understand what your child is trying to communicate. There may even be a simple explanation to their behavior that could be quickly solved.
- Model the behaviors you expect from your children. Remember the drug commercial years ago that stated, “Parents who use drugs have children who use drugs.”? The same holds true of any behavior. It is difficult, if not impossible, to be a parent who yells, yet expects their child to refrain from doing so.
- Let your child make some decisions by giving them acceptable choices. If your child throws a temper tantrum at lunchtime because he/she does not want to eat what you made, give them a choice. For example, let your child make the choice between a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or macaroni and cheese. Giving kids a choice helps them feel empowered and less likely to put up a fight. Don’t you feel more empowered when you have a choice to make? Doesn’t feeling empowered make you feel better about yourself?
- Praise your child for good behavior. Catch them being good. Positive reinforcement can be one of the most effective ways to strengthen good behavior. It has been said that it takes seven positive comments to make up for one negative comment. I have found this to be so true. Think about it, what type of comments do we all remember? The Negatives. Does one remember the several positive comments a boss made about what a great a job they were doing, or do they remember the one negative when he jumped down their throat about missing a deadline? Probably the latter. Think about how many times you get angry or snap at your child for bad behavior versus how many positive comments you make to your child. If you make just five negative comments per day, then, according to our statement, you need to make 35 positive comments per day. Are you meeting your quota? I love the quote, “As a man thinketh, so is he”. Well, the same is true of your child. Your child will become what you tell them they are, because as a child what mom and dad say is gospel. So, what mom and dad say becomes the child’s beliefs about themselves.Hence, they become what you have told them they are, and they will live up to your expectations, good or bad.
- Be firm and follow through on the consequences. Consistency is the key. If you don’t follow through, children will learn they can get away with bad behaviors. Threats of punishment with no follow-through will guarantee it will continue to happen.
- Have rules clearly posted in the home and explain the reasons behind them. Therefore, if children break the rules there is no room for them to use the excuse they did not know about the rule.
- Be specific with your expectations. Help them to understand. Break it down into simple terms. Make sure your child understands the results of breaking the rules. Use immediate and fitting consequences. For example, do not ground your child from watching television for a year when they do something wrong. Most parents would not follow through on such a long punishment; therefore, the parent’s credibility could be damaged when they back down.
- Redirect your child and help them find a better way to do what they are trying to do. For example, if your child is coloring on the walls, redirect them with a coloring book. Remove your child from the source of the problem or remove the source from the child.
- Be direct and talk at their level. For example, you cannot use logic with a 3 year old. Their brain has not developed to the point of understanding reason.
- Methods of discipline need to fit with your child’s age, abilities and needs. This may mean you will parent different children in your family in different ways and methods will likely need to change as children grow older.
Working on children’s poor behavior is a process. Take it day by day and do not get discouraged if you have a difficult day with your child. They should always know that you love them, no matter how frustrated you are with their behavior. Remember poor behavior is learned, and it can be unlearned.
This article was written by Kim Ryan, a Licensed Professional Counselor at CARES, LLC. Kim holds a Bachelors of Science in Psychology and a Masters of Arts in Human Services. If you would like to contact the author directly or speak with a counselor concerning this issue or a variety of other issues please visit www.careScounseling.com
