If you have more than one child you have most likely heard something like “Mom, Jeff won’t stop touching my stuff!”, “It’s my turn to go first!”, “She always gets her way!”, and the most popular… “That’s mine!” Most families with two or more children have experienced these types of conflicts, otherwise known as sibling rivalry. Sibling rivalry by definition is competition between siblings especially for the attention, affection, and approval of their parents.
Sibling rivalry does not have to be a negative thing; it can be beneficial when children learn to deal with disagreements by looking at the other person’s point of view, by learning to compromise, finding ways to handle conflicts themselves, and learning ways to control anger. However, most parents struggle to understand why it occurs and what can be done to remedy the problem.
Sibling rivalry can occur for a variety of reasons. Common reasons are children become bored or tired, they are upset when someone else handles their belongings, or they are trying to get their parents’ or siblings’ attention. When there are two children, less parent-to-child one on one time is available, after a third child even less, after a fourth less, and so on. So competition for attention ensues. Young children are not capable of expressing their needs in the same way as an adult. Children crave the attention of others, especially parents, and when they do not get it, they will behave in a manner which forces someone to take note. Often, negative attention is better than no attention to a child.
Parents can improve sibling rivalry and conflicts by following these suggestions:
- Acknowledge your child’s feelings and let them know it is alright for them to feel the way they do (i.e. being upset when their brother breaks their toy), but it is not okay to respond in an inappropriate manner. Explain what the appropriate response should be.
- Parents should model the behavior they expect from their children. Naturally, parents experience conflicts in their everyday lives which can provide a wonderful opportunity to show their children ways to problem solve in an appropriate non-aggressive manner.
- Make a family rule that shouting, name calling, insults, and physical fighting are not permitted. Just as in the previous suggestion, mom and dad must be willing to follow this rule. When parents react to aggression with aggression, they are inadvertently promoting sibling rivalry.
- Block movies, television shows, and video games that expose children to violence from your home. Research has shown these images increase the risk of aggressive behavior in children. On a side note, if you have not taken a close look at your child’s video games, you may be surprised how violent and vulgar many games have become. One parent I know was shocked when she noticed her 14-year-old son had been playing a game regularly that had an M (Mature) rating that included drug use, intense violence, mature humor, nudity, and strong language. Yes, even nudity has made its way into video games. Gone are the days of Asteroids and Pac-Man.
- When your children get into conflicts, give them each a time-out with the assignment to think about one or two ways they can resolve the conflict. Then, assist your children in coming back together to calmly talk about the options they have come up with.
- Schedule activities that are a source of conflict. For example, if your children fuss over the same toy, assign times that each child is allowed to play with the toy.
- When a new member of the family arrives, involve older children in the care of the infant. Now, I am not saying you should let your two year old baby sit an infant for any amount of time, but rather let the child assist by doing more simple tasks like bringing you a diaper for changing your youngest. This gives children a sense of responsibility toward their sibling that may help ease future stressors.
- Praise children when they are caught being kind and considerate toward each other. If you have ever read my articles in the past or had a session with me, you know I am huge on this one. There is no such thing as praising a child too much.
- Try to avoid taking sides. Trying to find out who started the argument is often impossible and unnecessary. It often does not matter how the argument was started, it’s just important to resolve it. Hold children evenly responsible when rules get broken, as children will be the first to call you on picking favorites.
- Teach your kids positive ways to get attention from each other. Show them how to approach another child and ask them to play.
Many sibling rivalry conflicts can be handled with the above solutions; however, if the conflicts in your family have become too intense, it may be time to seek some professional help through a school counselor, professional counselor, or a minister. Indicators that the conflicts are beyond the solutions above include problems that are causing physical harm to any member of the family, damaging the psychological well being of any family member, or causing problems between you and your spouse.
Working to resolve sibling rivalry will take time, so be patient. In the long run, you will be teaching your children not only how to get along with each other, but also how to get along with others throughout their life.
This article was written by Kim Ryan, a Licensed Professional Counselor at CARES, LLC. Kim holds a Bachelors of Science in Psychology and a Masters of Arts in Human Services. If you would like to contact the author directly or speak with a counselor concerning this issue or a variety of other issues please visit www.careScounseling.com
